AN OPN CHRISTMAS CAROL Bill Grates, software mogul, sits in his office, sending e-mail flames to opportunistic non-profit organizations, while munching on Christmas cookies... Bill (typing): "I am still too young to be a pillar of the community and therefore decline to donate any money to your organization until my acne clears up. I don't care about priority access or Community Networks anyway-- all those people should be using My Network(tm)." ...Later that night... Bill shuffles off to bed after a long evening of playing Minesweeper(tm). The lights, sensing the electronic lapel pin on his Sonic Hedgehog pajamas, come on ahead of him and turn off behind him as he traverses the long hall to the other end of his mansion on Lake Washington. The computer-controlled art displays lining the walls show random selections from peaceful sleep-inducing art (Goodnight Moon pages, still lakes, diagrams from PC software manuals, etc.) as he pads slowly, yawning to the end of the hall. As he reaches the end of the hall, the art display directly ahead of him changes to a portrait of his departed business partner, Allen Paul, dragging a chain made out of floppy discs. Allen: (ghostly moan) BiiiiiiiIIIIIIllllllLLLLLLL... Bill: What the hey... How'd that get in the system? Allen: Bill, this bloatware I authored in life, I now must maintain in retirement. Bill: But, but you're dead, how--? Allen: Actually, no, I *was* working as a programmer for you and *then* I got a life, quit and am enjoying my billions while I'm still alive-- something I strongly urge you to consider. Bill: This is crazy. You're just a figment of my imagination-- some software virus planted in my home computer my mischievous young programmers! Allen: NOT! Listen Bill, you're a greedy B.O.B.(tm) and won't even pay for an 800-number so people can dial in and get help with their copies of your mediocre, sub-unix software. You gotta lighten up before it's too late and Start(tm) spreading your wealth around, dig? Tonight, you'll be visited by three spirits. Heed their warnings. Re-engineer yourself, dude. Ciao! The image of Allen Paul is replaced by a Bill-the-Cat screen saver... Bill (the Grates not the cat--they are often confused): Weird. I'll have to run my virus checker in the morning. Um, Scratch that-- better run Northon's this time. Bill goes to bed and falls asleep. When the digital clock on Bill's bedroom P.C. registers midnight, the lights in the hall begin eerily turning on and off as if someone is walking down the hall toward Bill's room only no-one is there. The screen saver on Bill's bedroom P.C. aborts with a "General Protection Fault, Abort, Retry, Ignore?" A voice says "Re-re-re-retry" and the face of Max Headruum appears on the screen... Max: Yo! B-B-Bill! Wake up! What do I have to do? Knock on the scree-scree-screen like Tom Peterson? Hellayoo. I am the ghost of Christmas parties past... Bill is treated to an excruciating sequence of scenes from Christmas parties past-- mostly all the same: Bill gets drunk and states loudly that he wants to get laid and everyone comes up with good excuses to be going back to work. The author wishes to spare you, our dear reader the gruesome details. Bill is unimpressed by the first ghost, resets the machine, plays a few hands of computer Solitaire, and eventually goes back to sleep... ... 2:00 a.m. All the art displays in the house start changing to still pictures of a large, jovial man (I picture John Candy in this part, bless his soul [:-)] up to and including the bedroom P.C. (after the obligatory General Protection Fault). John: Come In, and Know Me Better Man! Bill stirs awake. John gestures to a pair of VR (virtual reality) eye-phones next to the mouse. The mouse, of course, was not stirring [:-)] John: Come In, and Know Me Better Man! Bill straps on the eye-phones and is immersed in a great hall full of beautiful lights and a long table heaped with delicious food. In the VR, the Ghost of Christmas Present (GOCP) is enormously huge-- a VR bounding box about 20 feet on a side fills the space until his 40 Megabyte presence completely downloads. Bill: Wow! This virtual reality (VRML) stuff is pretty cool! I think I'll pretend I thought of it first, yeah that's the ticket, and the web too, yeah, Hey! I think I invented the internet, eeeyyyeaaahhh! John: Not so fast Bill. There's a long Road Ahead(tm) for you tonight... The GOCP takes Bill on a tour to see some of the pre-school day care centers in the Seattle area where Tiny Tim, a son of one of his employees is playing Minesweeper with little wrist braces on for his severe case of carpal tunneling syndrome. For the first time in his life, Bill feels a little remorse... The ghost deposits Bill back in his bed and Bill goes back to sleep. ... 4:00 a.m... General Protection Fault, Abort? Re-try? Ignore? The Ghost of Christmas Future appears on Bill's P.C. screen. Bill: Who are you? GOCF: I am the Ghost of Christmases yet to be released! Any day now, really, I mean it! I am also known as Gwin, as in Gwin the Hunter or "Gnu is not Windows". Come (Beckoning to the VR goggles) COME! I picture Arnie the Scwartz in this role, or maybe Michael Keaton, Keenau Reeves, Michael Jackson or Woody Allen-- you know *that* kind of celebrity. Bill puts on the VR goggles again and the GOCF takes Bill to a cemetary and directs Bill toward one tombstone in particular. It reads, "Here lies Bill the Grates, late it's true, but finally released nonetheless. Send bug reports about Bill(tm) to support@paranormal.com or check out Bill's posthumous web page at http://www.limbo.com/~billg. It's way cool! God specifically disclaims all warranties, expressed or implied, regarding Bill's suitability as a human being, including any warranties of merchantability or fitness for any particular use whatsoever..." Bill: NO! I can't take it anymore! I have waked up and smelled the JAVA(tm)! I don't want to go down in history as the Stingiest Billionaire ever born on Earth(sm)! I'll change! I do care about my fellow human beings! I'll give money to the poor! I'll even send in my OPN priority access payment even though I only telnet into EFN! Even better, I'll contribute a few extra dollars to the OPN new equipment fund so they can buy some higher quality modems!.. I'll-- * * * * * * Well y'all get the idea by now. Bill goes on to become a nice guy, of course. Here at OPN, it's the end of the year and OPN needs your support more than ever. Attend council meetings, volunteer in the office and of course PLEASE send money. We are serious about upgrading our modem pool. Thanks, and Happy Holidays to all (even Bill). * * * * * * Please take a moment and mail a check today (payable to "Oregon Public Networking" or "OPN") to: OPN, Attn: New Equipment Fund PO Box 1914 Eugene OR 97440-1914 Remember to write your user-id (login name) and "New Equipment Fund" on the check in the "memo" or "for" space in the lower left. Thanks for your support. +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Oregon Public Networking -- "Connect Globally; Dial Locally" +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+